Tender Mercies

The last couple days have been rough for me as I try to figure out what the next steps of my infertility journey are going to be, and how we are going to get the funds to go about actually getting a child. But on the flip side, so many people have reached out to me and little things have been both said and that have made things so much easier and have shown me that God really does know what you're going through. He is aware of your journey and how you feel. I am just so grateful for those people who act on promptings and make an effort to show me how much I really am loved and cared for.

So many people have been there for me to talk to.  One friend, Erin, sent me this sweet message through Snap Chat after I apologized for being so down and complaining so much over something I can't really control. She has been so understanding and so willing to just let me vent as much as I need to and I don't think she'll ever understand how much that means to me.
People have made comments on my blog, and a lady I don't even know briefly shared her infertility story and sympathized with my situation. Then  invited me to reach out to her if I ever had questions or needed someone to talk to.
Another friend offered to come to my house and help me clean up, as I was frustrated with how far behind on all the house work I had gotten in the last couple days. When she showed up to clean my kitchen, she brought me strawberries and fruit dip to snack on, and food helps everything. Am I right?
My sister sent out her weekly email and had words in there that she probably didn't even realize would touch me like they did. The story she told had nothing to do with my situation at all, but the lesson she learned applied so well to me in that moment. And she helped me realize that Satan is working on me right now. He wants to try and break me. To pull me away from the church and blame God for my problems. He wants me to feel alone and abandoned.

"Satan will never stop tempting us, giving us trials, trying to make us fall away. God also gives us trials, so we can prove our faithfulness to Him. Let's use our trials in our lives to show God we are faithful, and that we love Him, and that we are strong and will not fall away, and that we have total trust in Him and His will for us." (Hermana Phipps)

My sister-in-law who lives in my basement has been great too. She is always there to keep me happy when I'm home alone and she does so much for me to help around the house and help take care of my dog. Tonight when I was getting ready for bed I noticed the spare bedroom light was on and so I got up to turn in off before I crawled into bed myself and there on the floor were little poop sticky notes to just remind me how much I mean to her and how much she loves me! (And when I thanked her she told me she pooped on my floor,  so that made me laugh 😂)
There are a few coworkers that have gone and done things with me after work, such as getting milkshakes or going to Denny's. They try and keep me busy so I don't have time to be down and upset. I am amazed at how much they all care about me and try to make me happy. Little things matter so much to me.

"As Christ followed the Father under any circumstance, we should follow His Son. If we do so, it matters not what kind of persecution, suffering, grief or "thorn in the flesh" we face. We are not alone. Christ will assist us. His tender mercies will make us mighty under any circumstance." (Walter F. Gonzalez Of the Presidency of the Seventy, April General Conference 2011)

 My personal testimony has been strengthened so much in the last couple of days. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me. I know He has a plan and He knows what I need. I know that He has been working through other people to make sure I feel comforted and loved. I am still in awe at the amount of tender mercies I have experienced and I can never emphasize enough how grateful I am for friends who listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit and act on them. I have felt my Heavenly Fathers love for me through all these people who have touched my life, and I know that He loves me more than I can comprehend. I can't wait to see what He has in store for me and the plan he has for the life that lies ahead.

A Feeling of Defeat

Recently I was filled with hope for our fertility journey when my doctor prescribed me something new. Instead of increasing my Clomid dose she was adding Femara. I had never heard of them doing that before so I educated myself via google and found success stories and feelings of comfort. I was relieved to be trying something new and was eager for day 5 of my cycle to start the medications, and eager for day 12 so I could go in and get a follicle check ultrasound to see if anything had happened. Hope. That's what I help on to...

Sometimes I wake up and question whether my dream was a nightmare, or if it was foretelling an event to come. The night before my follicle check appointment for this cycle I had a dream that the doctor told me that my ovaries were basically inactive and if I really wanted a child I would have to look into IVF and/or adoption. I woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach and still prayed for the best as I got ready for the day. Deep down, I prepared myself for the worst. 

At the doctor appointment I was telling my mom about a recent discovery that my health insurance would help pay for an adoption and she asked if I had given up already. I didn't tell her about my dream, I just told her I wanted to keep my options open and, even if I did get pregnant, would consider adoption in the future. 

When the assistant called us back and the doctor did the ultrasound and discovered that there were no new follicles. That I wasn't ovulating, I wasn't surprised. As much as I had hoped and prayed for good news, I had mentally prepared myself for the worst. As in my dream she recommended that we start looking into IVF and recommended two different places for us to go. She said she would continue to increase my dosage of the two medications, but as it hasn't had any effect on me so far she wasn't sure it would do anything more for me. 

I kept myself from crying in the clinic, but when I got out to the car with my husband I cried. I felt as if PCOS had won. Why can't my body just do what it's supposed to do? Why can't I be normal? How are we ever going to be able to afford IVF or adoption? It would take years for us to save that kind of money! Money we could be putting towards our house or new cars. I have never felt so betrayed by my body. I have never felt so defeated. 

Our Infertility Back Story

Some might say having periods like mine would be a blessing. I grew up rarely having any periods, Maybe one every 6 months or so in a bad year. I loved it. During my yearly physical I would always ask my Doctor what he thought about it. Why wasn't I on a regular cycle like most of my friends and now my younger sister? Every year he had excuses: I was too active, I was slightly over weight, I wasn't eating right. So I brushed it off and figured it would resolve itself with time though, as I got older I started to worry about the future. How was I supposed to have kids if I didn't have a period? If I wasn't bleeding did that mean I wasn't ovulating? I was full of questions and the things my Doctor told me just weren't adding up. My mom assumed it was PCOS but we didn't worry about it too much at the time. I didn't know that it would have such a big effect on my adult life.

I went in to an OBGYN for a premarital exam in March of 2016 and put me on birth control to regulate my cycles for the time being. She didn't want to do an ultra sound, assuming it would be a little too traumatic since I was a virgin and likely still had a hymen in tact. She gave me prescriptions for Provera to jump start my period and instructed me to start it after my honeymoon so we didn't ruin my honeymoon with a period. After not having a period in over 8 months, it came back with a vengeance on the second day of my honeymoon, even without taking the Provera. I was bleeding heavier than I ever had! (Which was probably pay back for never really having periods in Jr. High and High School) I felt gross my whole honeymoon, and we even missed our scuba trip, which I still feel guilty for.

When we got home I started the birth control, but my period never went away. I bled for almost 3 months straight. Aside from the bleeding, I felt depressed and tired all the time. We didn't like how it was effecting me. we prayed about what to do and attended the temple hoping for some kind of guidance. That June We both had a feeling we should go off the birth control and try to start our family. The answer took me by surprise for a little bit. My original plan was to wait a few years before we tried to have kids, maybe finish collage and buy a house first. But as always, God had other plans. I threw away the rest of my birth control and stopped it that day. Before to long the bleeding went away and I was back to my happy old self. We were both filled with a new excitement that we were going to start a family earlier than originally planned. I used an app to track my period. Once I told it I stopped bleeding it gave me an estimate of my fertile days. We used those days to our advantage and waited. Finally the app told me my period was due and if it hadn't arrived to take a pregnancy test. Negative. We didn't lose hope and kept trying. We told each other that if nothing happened within a few months we'd go back to the Doctor. I didn't realize that we were starting an infertility journey that would last longer than I had ever imagined. In November my period hadn't returned and we figured we would need help to conceive so I called my Doctor and made an appointment for January. In the meantime we bought a house and moved to Ogden, continually making preparations for the family we still hope to someday have.

January I had my first infertility appointment. Where I was officially diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) Our Doctor did some ultra sounds and showed me all the cysts on my ovaries and how swollen they were. We counted 26 on my right ovary and about 20 on my left. No wonder nothing was happening. She gave me prescriptions for Provera, Clomid, and Metformin. Once again I had hope. We were excited to start trying again and eager to get a positive pregnancy test. Still nothing happened. My period didn't come back and I had a negative test. This process repeated 4 times with no success. Each cycle began with a higher dose of Clomid and new hope, and ended with disappointment. The last round of Clomid came with more side effects than the rest. I had hot flashes all the time and just felt sick. So we gave it a rest for a month or so.

Through everything we've tried to stay family focused, always trying to improve our lives for the benefit of our future children. Though we've tried to keep a positive attitude, we don't always succeed. I've had my share of breakdowns in the last year. We've bought baby clothes and other things that we've seen on clearance. We have a bedroom set aside for our first child. We try to keep hope alive even when it seams pointless. We've shared some excitement, as well as some tears. We've learned so much and we've grown together. We try to have hope for what our future has in store. Our infertility journey is only beginning. 

He'll Carry Me!

This week I've been trying to keep the spirit in my life a little more by listening to church music and ponderizing the lyrics while I clean my house. A song I haven't heard since my young woman day came on and I started to tear up. The lyrics touched me in a way they never have before.

"He knows your heart

He knows your pain

He knows the strength it took just to simply breathe today

He sees the tears that you cry

He knows your soul is aching to know why

He hears your prayers; each humble word

When you said you couldn't face another day he understood

He knows the path that you will find

Though you felt alone He's never left your side

He knew there'd be moments when no earthly words could take away your sorrow

And no human eyes could see what you're going through

When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do

He will lift your heavy load and carry you"

So much POWER in this verse. I think the line that touched me the most was "He knew there'd be moments when no earthly words could take away your sorrow" because I know that. I hate it when people tell me "It will happen when it happens" or "just enjoy your time without kids" or "Don't you know God has a plan?" Because even though their statements and advise may be valid, it doesn't help. It doesn't change the fact that I want a baby now, that I wanted one over a year ago when we went off birth control. It doesn't change the fact that it's hard to feel like I'm doing my part as a woman or a wife when I can't get pregnant. It doesn't change how difficult this trial is for me. Nothing anyone can say will make it better. 

I can't even express enough how much I've learned to rely on my Father in Heaven. Not because others have told me to trust in His timing, but because I have felt it. I have felt the love He has for me. I have felt Him hold me when I cry. He understands. Somehow He knows exactly what I'm going through and how I'm feeling. He knows how infertility had affected me. He has never left my side through all of this. Even when I felt so alone. Deep down, I know He has a plan for me and I know it will all work out. But until then, He'll carry me.

"He'll bring you peace and leave your hope

And in the darkest night He'll comfort you until you know the sun will rise

And each new day you will have the strength to live again

And in the moments when no earthly words can take away your sorrow

And no human eyes can see what you're going through

When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do

He will lift your heavy load and carry you

He hears you when you're crying in the night

He hears you when your soul longs to find

Till the morning will come

And the light of the dawn reassures

That in the moment when no earthly words can take away your sorrow

And no human eyes could see what you're going through

When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do

He will lift your heavy load and carry you."

(Hilary Weeks- He'll Carry You)

HE HEARS ME! Even when I feel like our Father in Heaven isn't listening to my pleadings. He hears me. Deep down I know that He is listening to my prayers, He knows the desires of my heart and His timing is perfect. I get frustrated sometimes when His plan for me isn't aligning with my own, but that doesn't mean He isn't listening. Looking back I just know that He has been listening to me my whole life. He has helped me through every trial. When my two best friends moved away during 5th grade, when I struggled to make friends in Jr High, when I lost friends over stupid high school drama, when Dalton left on His mission, when I moved out and started college, when I was uncomfortable on dates, when I didn't know if my relationship was ever going to work out-- He was there! I know He has been there through everything, so why not now? As I have been trying to live my life closer to the spirit, I have noticed His Hand a little more. I have been more receptive to personal revelation and I have felt his comfort in my hour of need. I know He's going to be there with me every step of the way on this path of life. And I know without a doubt that when I breakdown, HE'LL CARRY ME!