Gladly, Gladly We'll Walk In The Light

This week, my Sunday included sitting in a room full of eight 1 1/2 to 2 year olds, trying to calm down half of them and get them to stop crying while trying to keep the other half entertained. While there were 4 adults in the room, it was still a challenging task. Especially where some of the children cry for the full two hours, and others cry for almost the whole first hour. As you may already know by reading some of my previous posts, nursery has been more of a challenging calling for me. Just recently I think I started to realize how much I can learn from the two hours I get with these little kiddos.

"Teach me to walk in the light of His love;
Teach me to pray to my Father above
Teach me to know of the things that are right;
Teach me, teach me to walk in the light."

 I hear this song and I think of two things. First of all, I am still learning. I am still learning and practicing all the basics of the gospel every day. Every week when I go to church. Second, I have a responsibility to teach my nursery kids and to help them understand why we're here, where we came from, and where we're going. I helped a little girl in my nursery class pray today and I was reminded of how much prayer means to them, even if they are so young. I notice how excited they get when we ask "Who wants to say the closing prayer?" I am beginning to notice the good examples these little kids are to me.

"Come, little child, and together we'll learn
Of his commandments, that we may return
Home to His presence, to live in his sight
Always, always to walk in the light."

I always thought maybe Heavenly Father gave me this calling to teach me how to be a mother and how to interact with children. Like maybe that's why I needed this calling before I could have a child of my own, but I am realizing that there is so much more to it than that. I am learning how much I can learn from watching these children and it makes sense to me why Christ would want us to "becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love..." (Mosiah 3:19) Not only are they learning from me, but I am learning so much from them. I looked at my own husband who held a little girl for almost an hour straight because she wanted her dad and thought about how great of a father he is going to be someday. How gentle and loving he already is and, how in someways, my husband is like a child. He is so patient and full of love. He is already showing me how great of a father he is going to be.

Father in Heaven, we thank thee this day
For loving guidance to show us the way.
Grateful, we praise thee with songs of delight!
Gladly, gladly we'll walk in the light."

As  I listened to these little ones sing "I Am A Child Of God" and "Jesus Wants Me For A Sun Beam" and "Book Of Mormon Stories" I realized that these children are so close to their Father in Heaven and that they love Him more than I can even comprehend. Instead of resenting this calling and dreading going to church every week because I have to act as a babysitter while all the parents get to enjoy Sunday School and Relief Society, I love it. I couldn't be more grateful for my calling and these small children I get to work with the light and love they bring to me. It makes me so excited for when I get to finally have children of my own. I know someday it will happen, but for now I need to work on being like a child, "patient," Even though it's hard some times. I am so grateful now for the opportunity I have to work with my nursery kids. I am so glad I get to work with them every week as I prepare myself for motherhood. While I go through this trial,  I'll learn more to let these little kids be a light in my life.

"Gladly,  gladly we'll walk in the light."
(Hymn 304- Teach Me To Walk In The Light)

How It All Began

High school is hard.  My senior year I was pretty fed up with it.  I had lost a handful of friends due to some pretty stupid drama and I often felt pretty alone. I felt abandoned. Useless. Its safe to say I was depressed. I didn't think I was good at anything or that I was pretty enough for anyone. I was just stuck. I never felt like doing anything or going anywhere. I just went to school, work, and home. Where I spent most of my time locked in my room alone.
That December one of my friends told me that for new year's eve we were going to go on a girls choice date.  I told her I didn't wanna go and I didn't know who I would ask.  She pretty much told me that she would find a date for me, one of her cousins friends,  if I didn't find one myself.  After I asked 3 different guys, being rejected by each one I told her I didn't want to go.  She told me to ask one more person. "How about Dalton?" This took me by surprise because just a year ago she had told me not to ask Dalton on a date because he was too much like a brother to her and it would be weird.
So I got his phone number from the ward directory and called.  He didn't answer. In fact,  it said the phone number was disconnected. I went back to my friend telling her I gave up, but she was persistent. She messaged him on Facebook and told him to call me. When he did I sheepishly asked him to go on this date with me. I had already been rejected three times, why should I expect this time to be any different? To my surprise, he said yes. And not only did he say yes, he seamed eager to go on this date.
The next day I woke up with more optimism and excitement than I had felt in a long time. Never for a second did I think that this date would change my life forever, I was just looking forward to a night spent out with a few friends and one of the cutest boys from high school.
The date turned into the BEST DATE EVER up to that point. From the minute he got in the car with us I could just tell he was special. The way he looked at me made my heart melt. He actually treated me like I was worth something. More so than any other guy had. Dinner didn't go quite as planned because we didn't take into consideration that some places might close early on New Years, so instead of eating at the food court in City Creek, we ate from the deli at Harmon's. He offered to pay, and I let him. I got chicken tender, he got salmon. We snuck away from the group for a minute to get hot chocolate from the little cafe in Harmon's. Everybody else in our group seamed awkward, but I felt like Dalton and I just clicked. We raced to get to the front of the line while we walked around Temple Square. We talked about zombies and The Walking Dead. I couldn't believe how easy it was to have fun and be myself around him.
After getting lost in Ogden and finally making it back to our little hometown we all went to the multi-stake dance. And our date kind of unofficially ended. Dalton found a group of friends he had when he was in high school and I jumped between groups of friends avoiding the friend who had caused so much drama in my life at that time. We all just kind of did our own thing. Around the end, just before midnight Dalton came back and danced with me, giving me the last dance of the night.
At midnight I stood with one of my best friends in the middle of the gym while balloons fell and everyone was blowing horns and welcoming in the new year. And for a minute, in the midst of my hardest year of high school, everything was okay. I felt pretty for once. I had just gone on the best date of my life with great guy! And at that point in time, I knew that 2013 was going to be a year. Things were going to be different. Things were going to get better!

All Is Well

I'm not even gonna lie, there are times recently where I have been mad at God.  Mad that I haven't had a child yet.  Mad that I have to watch a good portion of my friends have babies. Mad that I've been given this desire to be a mom,  when physically it is so hard for me to become one.  Mad that the fertility treatments have had no effect on me so far.  Mad that I have to go through this. Mad that His timing isn't aligning with mine.  Does He not trust me with a child? Am I doing something wrong,  even though I feel like I am doing everything right? There are so many things that have crossed my mind lately.  So many emotions. I felt abandoned. I felt tortured to have a calling in the nursery,  where I had to care for other people's children rather than my own. Why did He give me this calling if He knows my struggles? I felt like my prayers weren't being answered.  That maybe God didn't care about me as much as I thought He did. I wasn't sure what to do or how to interpret my feelings.

Then I was reading my patriarchal blessing one day.  I had this overwhelming feeling that my Father in Heaven really does love me, He cares. He hears my prayers. All of a sudden I knew that I would be a mother figure in some children's life. Maybe not my own, but somehow I would be a mother. This was a turning point in my spirituality regarding infertility.  I started reading general conference talks and my scriptures more often. I'm not saying I don't still have that strong desire to be a mother, but I have learned a lot.  I'm not saying its easy now,  because this is still the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. What I am saying is that leaning toward The Lord and focusing on improving my spirituality has helped.  I still feel abandoned sometimes,  but reading the words of our prophets makes me feel better.  I know our Heavenly Father knows us.  I know He speaks to us through words of the prophets.  I know I am not alone in this journey. 

"Trials come to each of us. Living righteously does not mean that our lives will be free of problems or sorrow, but no matter what hardships we face, we can always rely on Heavenly Father and His Son. They will not forsake us, and They will give each of us the strength to face whatever may come, so that in the end we can truly say, “All is well!”" (Our God Will Never Us Forsake,  Ensign June 2013) Infertility is my trial in this life, but does having a trial mean I can't be happy? No.  Why am I focusing so much on this trial rather than everything going well in my life? Because in reality my life is great.  I have a decent job, an amazing husband,  and a great support system of friends and family.  We have a puppy for me to care for and look after and we are always trying to do fun things and go on adventures. I have an abundance of blessings in my life but sometimes I fail to recognize them.  "It makes no sense to let gratitude for the blessings we do have be crowded out by sorrow over the one thing we lack...We each have joys in life despite our trials; what a waste to fail to notice or cherish or celebrate all the reasons we do have to rejoice." (Learning to Cope With Infertility, Ensign June 2012)
Now I'm trying harder to focus on the good things happening in my life every day. I've been trying to count my blessings and give thanks for my Father in Heaven for all that I have because I have been very blessed in my life, even if it's not always easy to recognize. As I've been working on these goals I've kept this hymn in my head: "Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard? 'Tis not so; all is right. Why should we think to earn a great reward if we now shun the fight? Gird up your loins; fresh courage take. Our God will never us forsake; and soon we'll have this tale to tell- All is well! All is well!" (LDS Hymn 30; Come, Come, Ye Saints). I know I'm not alone. I know I am blessed. And I know my Heavenly Father loves me very much! I know He hears my prayers and I know His timing is perfect. Best of all, I KNOW He has a plan for me.