Tender Mercies

The last couple days have been rough for me as I try to figure out what the next steps of my infertility journey are going to be, and how we are going to get the funds to go about actually getting a child. But on the flip side, so many people have reached out to me and little things have been both said and that have made things so much easier and have shown me that God really does know what you're going through. He is aware of your journey and how you feel. I am just so grateful for those people who act on promptings and make an effort to show me how much I really am loved and cared for.

So many people have been there for me to talk to.  One friend, Erin, sent me this sweet message through Snap Chat after I apologized for being so down and complaining so much over something I can't really control. She has been so understanding and so willing to just let me vent as much as I need to and I don't think she'll ever understand how much that means to me.
People have made comments on my blog, and a lady I don't even know briefly shared her infertility story and sympathized with my situation. Then  invited me to reach out to her if I ever had questions or needed someone to talk to.
Another friend offered to come to my house and help me clean up, as I was frustrated with how far behind on all the house work I had gotten in the last couple days. When she showed up to clean my kitchen, she brought me strawberries and fruit dip to snack on, and food helps everything. Am I right?
My sister sent out her weekly email and had words in there that she probably didn't even realize would touch me like they did. The story she told had nothing to do with my situation at all, but the lesson she learned applied so well to me in that moment. And she helped me realize that Satan is working on me right now. He wants to try and break me. To pull me away from the church and blame God for my problems. He wants me to feel alone and abandoned.

"Satan will never stop tempting us, giving us trials, trying to make us fall away. God also gives us trials, so we can prove our faithfulness to Him. Let's use our trials in our lives to show God we are faithful, and that we love Him, and that we are strong and will not fall away, and that we have total trust in Him and His will for us." (Hermana Phipps)

My sister-in-law who lives in my basement has been great too. She is always there to keep me happy when I'm home alone and she does so much for me to help around the house and help take care of my dog. Tonight when I was getting ready for bed I noticed the spare bedroom light was on and so I got up to turn in off before I crawled into bed myself and there on the floor were little poop sticky notes to just remind me how much I mean to her and how much she loves me! (And when I thanked her she told me she pooped on my floor,  so that made me laugh 😂)
There are a few coworkers that have gone and done things with me after work, such as getting milkshakes or going to Denny's. They try and keep me busy so I don't have time to be down and upset. I am amazed at how much they all care about me and try to make me happy. Little things matter so much to me.

"As Christ followed the Father under any circumstance, we should follow His Son. If we do so, it matters not what kind of persecution, suffering, grief or "thorn in the flesh" we face. We are not alone. Christ will assist us. His tender mercies will make us mighty under any circumstance." (Walter F. Gonzalez Of the Presidency of the Seventy, April General Conference 2011)

 My personal testimony has been strengthened so much in the last couple of days. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me. I know He has a plan and He knows what I need. I know that He has been working through other people to make sure I feel comforted and loved. I am still in awe at the amount of tender mercies I have experienced and I can never emphasize enough how grateful I am for friends who listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit and act on them. I have felt my Heavenly Fathers love for me through all these people who have touched my life, and I know that He loves me more than I can comprehend. I can't wait to see what He has in store for me and the plan he has for the life that lies ahead.

A Feeling of Defeat

Recently I was filled with hope for our fertility journey when my doctor prescribed me something new. Instead of increasing my Clomid dose she was adding Femara. I had never heard of them doing that before so I educated myself via google and found success stories and feelings of comfort. I was relieved to be trying something new and was eager for day 5 of my cycle to start the medications, and eager for day 12 so I could go in and get a follicle check ultrasound to see if anything had happened. Hope. That's what I help on to...

Sometimes I wake up and question whether my dream was a nightmare, or if it was foretelling an event to come. The night before my follicle check appointment for this cycle I had a dream that the doctor told me that my ovaries were basically inactive and if I really wanted a child I would have to look into IVF and/or adoption. I woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach and still prayed for the best as I got ready for the day. Deep down, I prepared myself for the worst. 

At the doctor appointment I was telling my mom about a recent discovery that my health insurance would help pay for an adoption and she asked if I had given up already. I didn't tell her about my dream, I just told her I wanted to keep my options open and, even if I did get pregnant, would consider adoption in the future. 

When the assistant called us back and the doctor did the ultrasound and discovered that there were no new follicles. That I wasn't ovulating, I wasn't surprised. As much as I had hoped and prayed for good news, I had mentally prepared myself for the worst. As in my dream she recommended that we start looking into IVF and recommended two different places for us to go. She said she would continue to increase my dosage of the two medications, but as it hasn't had any effect on me so far she wasn't sure it would do anything more for me. 

I kept myself from crying in the clinic, but when I got out to the car with my husband I cried. I felt as if PCOS had won. Why can't my body just do what it's supposed to do? Why can't I be normal? How are we ever going to be able to afford IVF or adoption? It would take years for us to save that kind of money! Money we could be putting towards our house or new cars. I have never felt so betrayed by my body. I have never felt so defeated. 

Our Infertility Back Story

Some might say having periods like mine would be a blessing. I grew up rarely having any periods, Maybe one every 6 months or so in a bad year. I loved it. During my yearly physical I would always ask my Doctor what he thought about it. Why wasn't I on a regular cycle like most of my friends and now my younger sister? Every year he had excuses: I was too active, I was slightly over weight, I wasn't eating right. So I brushed it off and figured it would resolve itself with time though, as I got older I started to worry about the future. How was I supposed to have kids if I didn't have a period? If I wasn't bleeding did that mean I wasn't ovulating? I was full of questions and the things my Doctor told me just weren't adding up. My mom assumed it was PCOS but we didn't worry about it too much at the time. I didn't know that it would have such a big effect on my adult life.

I went in to an OBGYN for a premarital exam in March of 2016 and put me on birth control to regulate my cycles for the time being. She didn't want to do an ultra sound, assuming it would be a little too traumatic since I was a virgin and likely still had a hymen in tact. She gave me prescriptions for Provera to jump start my period and instructed me to start it after my honeymoon so we didn't ruin my honeymoon with a period. After not having a period in over 8 months, it came back with a vengeance on the second day of my honeymoon, even without taking the Provera. I was bleeding heavier than I ever had! (Which was probably pay back for never really having periods in Jr. High and High School) I felt gross my whole honeymoon, and we even missed our scuba trip, which I still feel guilty for.

When we got home I started the birth control, but my period never went away. I bled for almost 3 months straight. Aside from the bleeding, I felt depressed and tired all the time. We didn't like how it was effecting me. we prayed about what to do and attended the temple hoping for some kind of guidance. That June We both had a feeling we should go off the birth control and try to start our family. The answer took me by surprise for a little bit. My original plan was to wait a few years before we tried to have kids, maybe finish collage and buy a house first. But as always, God had other plans. I threw away the rest of my birth control and stopped it that day. Before to long the bleeding went away and I was back to my happy old self. We were both filled with a new excitement that we were going to start a family earlier than originally planned. I used an app to track my period. Once I told it I stopped bleeding it gave me an estimate of my fertile days. We used those days to our advantage and waited. Finally the app told me my period was due and if it hadn't arrived to take a pregnancy test. Negative. We didn't lose hope and kept trying. We told each other that if nothing happened within a few months we'd go back to the Doctor. I didn't realize that we were starting an infertility journey that would last longer than I had ever imagined. In November my period hadn't returned and we figured we would need help to conceive so I called my Doctor and made an appointment for January. In the meantime we bought a house and moved to Ogden, continually making preparations for the family we still hope to someday have.

January I had my first infertility appointment. Where I was officially diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) Our Doctor did some ultra sounds and showed me all the cysts on my ovaries and how swollen they were. We counted 26 on my right ovary and about 20 on my left. No wonder nothing was happening. She gave me prescriptions for Provera, Clomid, and Metformin. Once again I had hope. We were excited to start trying again and eager to get a positive pregnancy test. Still nothing happened. My period didn't come back and I had a negative test. This process repeated 4 times with no success. Each cycle began with a higher dose of Clomid and new hope, and ended with disappointment. The last round of Clomid came with more side effects than the rest. I had hot flashes all the time and just felt sick. So we gave it a rest for a month or so.

Through everything we've tried to stay family focused, always trying to improve our lives for the benefit of our future children. Though we've tried to keep a positive attitude, we don't always succeed. I've had my share of breakdowns in the last year. We've bought baby clothes and other things that we've seen on clearance. We have a bedroom set aside for our first child. We try to keep hope alive even when it seams pointless. We've shared some excitement, as well as some tears. We've learned so much and we've grown together. We try to have hope for what our future has in store. Our infertility journey is only beginning. 

He'll Carry Me!

This week I've been trying to keep the spirit in my life a little more by listening to church music and ponderizing the lyrics while I clean my house. A song I haven't heard since my young woman day came on and I started to tear up. The lyrics touched me in a way they never have before.

"He knows your heart

He knows your pain

He knows the strength it took just to simply breathe today

He sees the tears that you cry

He knows your soul is aching to know why

He hears your prayers; each humble word

When you said you couldn't face another day he understood

He knows the path that you will find

Though you felt alone He's never left your side

He knew there'd be moments when no earthly words could take away your sorrow

And no human eyes could see what you're going through

When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do

He will lift your heavy load and carry you"

So much POWER in this verse. I think the line that touched me the most was "He knew there'd be moments when no earthly words could take away your sorrow" because I know that. I hate it when people tell me "It will happen when it happens" or "just enjoy your time without kids" or "Don't you know God has a plan?" Because even though their statements and advise may be valid, it doesn't help. It doesn't change the fact that I want a baby now, that I wanted one over a year ago when we went off birth control. It doesn't change the fact that it's hard to feel like I'm doing my part as a woman or a wife when I can't get pregnant. It doesn't change how difficult this trial is for me. Nothing anyone can say will make it better. 

I can't even express enough how much I've learned to rely on my Father in Heaven. Not because others have told me to trust in His timing, but because I have felt it. I have felt the love He has for me. I have felt Him hold me when I cry. He understands. Somehow He knows exactly what I'm going through and how I'm feeling. He knows how infertility had affected me. He has never left my side through all of this. Even when I felt so alone. Deep down, I know He has a plan for me and I know it will all work out. But until then, He'll carry me.

"He'll bring you peace and leave your hope

And in the darkest night He'll comfort you until you know the sun will rise

And each new day you will have the strength to live again

And in the moments when no earthly words can take away your sorrow

And no human eyes can see what you're going through

When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do

He will lift your heavy load and carry you

He hears you when you're crying in the night

He hears you when your soul longs to find

Till the morning will come

And the light of the dawn reassures

That in the moment when no earthly words can take away your sorrow

And no human eyes could see what you're going through

When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do

He will lift your heavy load and carry you."

(Hilary Weeks- He'll Carry You)

HE HEARS ME! Even when I feel like our Father in Heaven isn't listening to my pleadings. He hears me. Deep down I know that He is listening to my prayers, He knows the desires of my heart and His timing is perfect. I get frustrated sometimes when His plan for me isn't aligning with my own, but that doesn't mean He isn't listening. Looking back I just know that He has been listening to me my whole life. He has helped me through every trial. When my two best friends moved away during 5th grade, when I struggled to make friends in Jr High, when I lost friends over stupid high school drama, when Dalton left on His mission, when I moved out and started college, when I was uncomfortable on dates, when I didn't know if my relationship was ever going to work out-- He was there! I know He has been there through everything, so why not now? As I have been trying to live my life closer to the spirit, I have noticed His Hand a little more. I have been more receptive to personal revelation and I have felt his comfort in my hour of need. I know He's going to be there with me every step of the way on this path of life. And I know without a doubt that when I breakdown, HE'LL CARRY ME!

Gladly, Gladly We'll Walk In The Light

This week, my Sunday included sitting in a room full of eight 1 1/2 to 2 year olds, trying to calm down half of them and get them to stop crying while trying to keep the other half entertained. While there were 4 adults in the room, it was still a challenging task. Especially where some of the children cry for the full two hours, and others cry for almost the whole first hour. As you may already know by reading some of my previous posts, nursery has been more of a challenging calling for me. Just recently I think I started to realize how much I can learn from the two hours I get with these little kiddos.

"Teach me to walk in the light of His love;
Teach me to pray to my Father above
Teach me to know of the things that are right;
Teach me, teach me to walk in the light."

 I hear this song and I think of two things. First of all, I am still learning. I am still learning and practicing all the basics of the gospel every day. Every week when I go to church. Second, I have a responsibility to teach my nursery kids and to help them understand why we're here, where we came from, and where we're going. I helped a little girl in my nursery class pray today and I was reminded of how much prayer means to them, even if they are so young. I notice how excited they get when we ask "Who wants to say the closing prayer?" I am beginning to notice the good examples these little kids are to me.

"Come, little child, and together we'll learn
Of his commandments, that we may return
Home to His presence, to live in his sight
Always, always to walk in the light."

I always thought maybe Heavenly Father gave me this calling to teach me how to be a mother and how to interact with children. Like maybe that's why I needed this calling before I could have a child of my own, but I am realizing that there is so much more to it than that. I am learning how much I can learn from watching these children and it makes sense to me why Christ would want us to "becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love..." (Mosiah 3:19) Not only are they learning from me, but I am learning so much from them. I looked at my own husband who held a little girl for almost an hour straight because she wanted her dad and thought about how great of a father he is going to be someday. How gentle and loving he already is and, how in someways, my husband is like a child. He is so patient and full of love. He is already showing me how great of a father he is going to be.

Father in Heaven, we thank thee this day
For loving guidance to show us the way.
Grateful, we praise thee with songs of delight!
Gladly, gladly we'll walk in the light."

As  I listened to these little ones sing "I Am A Child Of God" and "Jesus Wants Me For A Sun Beam" and "Book Of Mormon Stories" I realized that these children are so close to their Father in Heaven and that they love Him more than I can even comprehend. Instead of resenting this calling and dreading going to church every week because I have to act as a babysitter while all the parents get to enjoy Sunday School and Relief Society, I love it. I couldn't be more grateful for my calling and these small children I get to work with the light and love they bring to me. It makes me so excited for when I get to finally have children of my own. I know someday it will happen, but for now I need to work on being like a child, "patient," Even though it's hard some times. I am so grateful now for the opportunity I have to work with my nursery kids. I am so glad I get to work with them every week as I prepare myself for motherhood. While I go through this trial,  I'll learn more to let these little kids be a light in my life.

"Gladly,  gladly we'll walk in the light."
(Hymn 304- Teach Me To Walk In The Light)

All Is Well

I'm not even gonna lie, there are times recently where I have been mad at God.  Mad that I haven't had a child yet.  Mad that I have to watch a good portion of my friends have babies. Mad that I've been given this desire to be a mom,  when physically it is so hard for me to become one.  Mad that the fertility treatments have had no effect on me so far.  Mad that I have to go through this. Mad that His timing isn't aligning with mine.  Does He not trust me with a child? Am I doing something wrong,  even though I feel like I am doing everything right? There are so many things that have crossed my mind lately.  So many emotions. I felt abandoned. I felt tortured to have a calling in the nursery,  where I had to care for other people's children rather than my own. Why did He give me this calling if He knows my struggles? I felt like my prayers weren't being answered.  That maybe God didn't care about me as much as I thought He did. I wasn't sure what to do or how to interpret my feelings.

Then I was reading my patriarchal blessing one day.  I had this overwhelming feeling that my Father in Heaven really does love me, He cares. He hears my prayers. All of a sudden I knew that I would be a mother figure in some children's life. Maybe not my own, but somehow I would be a mother. This was a turning point in my spirituality regarding infertility.  I started reading general conference talks and my scriptures more often. I'm not saying I don't still have that strong desire to be a mother, but I have learned a lot.  I'm not saying its easy now,  because this is still the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. What I am saying is that leaning toward The Lord and focusing on improving my spirituality has helped.  I still feel abandoned sometimes,  but reading the words of our prophets makes me feel better.  I know our Heavenly Father knows us.  I know He speaks to us through words of the prophets.  I know I am not alone in this journey. 

"Trials come to each of us. Living righteously does not mean that our lives will be free of problems or sorrow, but no matter what hardships we face, we can always rely on Heavenly Father and His Son. They will not forsake us, and They will give each of us the strength to face whatever may come, so that in the end we can truly say, “All is well!”" (Our God Will Never Us Forsake,  Ensign June 2013) Infertility is my trial in this life, but does having a trial mean I can't be happy? No.  Why am I focusing so much on this trial rather than everything going well in my life? Because in reality my life is great.  I have a decent job, an amazing husband,  and a great support system of friends and family.  We have a puppy for me to care for and look after and we are always trying to do fun things and go on adventures. I have an abundance of blessings in my life but sometimes I fail to recognize them.  "It makes no sense to let gratitude for the blessings we do have be crowded out by sorrow over the one thing we lack...We each have joys in life despite our trials; what a waste to fail to notice or cherish or celebrate all the reasons we do have to rejoice." (Learning to Cope With Infertility, Ensign June 2012)
Now I'm trying harder to focus on the good things happening in my life every day. I've been trying to count my blessings and give thanks for my Father in Heaven for all that I have because I have been very blessed in my life, even if it's not always easy to recognize. As I've been working on these goals I've kept this hymn in my head: "Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard? 'Tis not so; all is right. Why should we think to earn a great reward if we now shun the fight? Gird up your loins; fresh courage take. Our God will never us forsake; and soon we'll have this tale to tell- All is well! All is well!" (LDS Hymn 30; Come, Come, Ye Saints). I know I'm not alone. I know I am blessed. And I know my Heavenly Father loves me very much! I know He hears my prayers and I know His timing is perfect. Best of all, I KNOW He has a plan for me.

My Husband Deserves to be Celebrated Too

      Earlier this month while talking about fathers day somebody asked me why I would get my husband anything for fathers day this year when he clearly isn't a father. While he may not be a father yet,  he is preparing and has been preparing for fatherhood for a long time.  And he will be the father of our future children. In my eyes,  he still deserves to be celebrated.
      Parenthood is kind of a touchy subject for me sometimes. This month marks one year since we stopped using birth control and started trying to have a baby. Had we been successful in our efforts,  my husband would be a daddy. Mothers day was hard for me for this reason,  and though he doesn't show it like I do,  I'm sure my husband is struggling in a way too.
      He wants to be a dad, I know he does.  He was so excited when we stopped the birth control and started trying to have a baby.  Immediately he became a dad in my eyes as he started to prepare us for parenthood. As he started sacrificing what he may want now, for the sake of our future family. We bought a house, he traded in his dream car for a truck. We started watching closer where we spent our money and made room for a baby in our budget. He changed his priorities to better fit a family and I will forever be grateful for that.
      He has stood by my side through this whole journey as we try to have a baby. He is so understanding when I get emotional or angry or just crazy because of the hormone supplements I am on. And when it  gets hard and I break down, he is there for me. He holds me when I cry. He encourages me to talk about it when I start to feel down. This infertility journey has been hard on both of us, but he has been supportive and helpful the whole time.
      Sometimes I feel bad that he has to go through this too. In my eyes, no one deserves to be a father more than him. But yet, somehow he got stuck with a wife who has PCOS and a hard time conceiving. And he still loves me. Never once has he blamed any of this on me or even gotten frustrated with me about it. He makes the best of the situation that we're in. And I appreciate him so much for it because I need that optimism in our life. And I know it will benefit our children in the future to have a dad who is so patient, understanding, and loving as my husband is.
      THIS is why I'm choosing to celebrate my husband on fathers day this year. Regardless of whether or not we have kids.

To Those Who Long To Be A Mother

    Mother's day is right around the corner. And there are constant reminders everywhere of what I want so bad to be but can't. A mother. Now I don't mean to sound ungrateful or anything. I'm not saying I don't have an amazing mother to celebrate this coming Sunday, because I do. I'm just pointing out that for a fraction of the world, Mother's Day is sometimes a hard holiday.
    If you're like me, 1 in 8 women struggle with infertility. And, to put it bluntly, it's hard. Just recently I have had a handful of friends on facebook announce their pregnancies, and another handful have their first babies. My news feed is filled with baby pictures and ultrasounds. And while I'm so happy for all of my friends, I'm sad for me. We've been trying for a baby more or less for almost a year now.  And more often than not I feel that it's very unfair that all my other friends have been blessed with a baby.
    So to all of you who are struggling this mothers day like me,  to all those who long to be a mother, YOU ARE WONDERFUL. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  And YOU MATTER TOO. You also deserve to be celebrated this week.  If nothing else,  celebrate yourself. You are so amazing for doing everything physically possible to have a child for the benefit of your family.  You go through so much and sacrifice so much in hopes of someday being a mother.
     And you know what? It's ok to get jealous sometimes.  And it's ok that you hurt over this.  And it's ok if you break down every once in awhile because this is hard.  This easily one of the hardest things I've ever been through. It's ok to ask God "why me?" every once in awhile.  It's ok to walk through the baby isles when you go shopping,  just to look.  It's ok to get angry and upset when you see another negative pregnancy test. Because that hurts.

     You are amazing for forcing that smile and congratulating your friend on her pregnancy.  You are amazing for taking a calling in the church working with other people's children.  You are awesome taking the time to listen to other people's struggles because, in a way,  you know what it's like. You know pain and heartache more than a lot of women your age. You know sacrifice, you are currently sacrificing so much for your family.
     So Happy Mother's Day. Because you are definitely a mother in my eyes.  Celebrate yourself a little this week and keep up this hope that someday you will hold your baby in our arms and we will know that all this heartache and struggle was worth it. Happy Mother's Day.  You still deserve the world!

Dear Future Child

Dear Future Child
     I don't know much about you yet.  I don't know what you'll look like,  what kind of things you'll be interested in,  or even if you're a boy or a girl. But I know I love you.  And I know your daddy loves you.
     I've been thinking about you a lot today as I start another round of infertility pills.  Another one of my friends also announced on facebook today that they were having a baby and as it made me rejoice for her,  my heart ached a little for me.  Out of jealousy that she'll get to meet her little one before I'll get to meet mine.
  As it was pay day today your daddy and I put another $40 into an envelope for you. You won't be old enough to appreciate it,  but we're saving up to ensure you have the best of everything.  Everytime I put more money into that envelope I think of you.
  I know you won't understand for a long time,  but I really hope you come soon.  Your dad and I have been praying to meet you.  I hope someday you can appreciate what we do for you.  We put my body through seemingly endless amounts of hormone supplements that really mess with my emotional and physical well being,  and your daddy's sanity. He's so good at taking care of me though and making sure I take my pills on time and making sure I take it easy when I need to. It gets really tiring some days and it's really hard on me. But I know it'll be worth it when I finally get to hold you in my arms.
  I hope and pray that you never have to go through this. It's one thing to go through this myself,  but having to watch my child not receive a righteous desire of their heart due to physical infirmities would be even worse.
  I hope I can be a good mother and raise you right. I hope you're father and I can teach you everything you'll need to know to take on this cruel world we live in.  I already know you'll make a difference in the world simply because having you here will make a difference to us. Watching you learn and grow is something your dad and I look forward to a lot.
  I hope you know we love you,  and we are doing everything in our power to get you here with us. We love you unconditionally and cant wait to see all that you'll do with this life! I can't wait to get that pink line on a test that tells us we're finally going to get to meet you. I can't wait to hold you in my arms little one.
  Love,
  Your Future Mother