A Feeling of Defeat

Recently I was filled with hope for our fertility journey when my doctor prescribed me something new. Instead of increasing my Clomid dose she was adding Femara. I had never heard of them doing that before so I educated myself via google and found success stories and feelings of comfort. I was relieved to be trying something new and was eager for day 5 of my cycle to start the medications, and eager for day 12 so I could go in and get a follicle check ultrasound to see if anything had happened. Hope. That's what I help on to...

Sometimes I wake up and question whether my dream was a nightmare, or if it was foretelling an event to come. The night before my follicle check appointment for this cycle I had a dream that the doctor told me that my ovaries were basically inactive and if I really wanted a child I would have to look into IVF and/or adoption. I woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach and still prayed for the best as I got ready for the day. Deep down, I prepared myself for the worst. 

At the doctor appointment I was telling my mom about a recent discovery that my health insurance would help pay for an adoption and she asked if I had given up already. I didn't tell her about my dream, I just told her I wanted to keep my options open and, even if I did get pregnant, would consider adoption in the future. 

When the assistant called us back and the doctor did the ultrasound and discovered that there were no new follicles. That I wasn't ovulating, I wasn't surprised. As much as I had hoped and prayed for good news, I had mentally prepared myself for the worst. As in my dream she recommended that we start looking into IVF and recommended two different places for us to go. She said she would continue to increase my dosage of the two medications, but as it hasn't had any effect on me so far she wasn't sure it would do anything more for me. 

I kept myself from crying in the clinic, but when I got out to the car with my husband I cried. I felt as if PCOS had won. Why can't my body just do what it's supposed to do? Why can't I be normal? How are we ever going to be able to afford IVF or adoption? It would take years for us to save that kind of money! Money we could be putting towards our house or new cars. I have never felt so betrayed by my body. I have never felt so defeated.