Dream

I had a dream last night that felt so real and has had me thinking all day. 

The dream started in a brand new house in Layton. It was huge. And beautiful. I was trying to get my 4 year old twin girls to help me clean their bedrooms. After fighting them for awhile the bedrooms were clean. They asked daddy if he would do their hair. To make them look pretty, and he did. Then it was time to go. The girls begged me to let them take their bikes, so I did. They didn't have to beg for long. We loaded up in a nice Subaru Forester and headed to the mountains where we had a little cabin all to ourselves for the weekend. There was a little creek running through the property and a lake a quarter mile away. I went inside to start unpacking and making dinner while my husband pushed Evelynn and Isabelle on their bikes around the driveway. I put corn dogs and tater tots in the oven and went outside to join our little family. By now they were playing jump rope. I took the two girls and helped them start a fire in the fire pit in the back yard so we could roast marshmallows after dinner. Then they sat at the picnic table and I brought out little sectioned out trays for them with corn dogs, tater tots, and "pink sauce" (because it wasnt just for fries). Dalton and I ate too. Then after dinner Dalton played camp fire songs on his guitar while I helped the girls make s'mores. Dalton continued to play the guitar while the girls fell asleep in my lap. Then Dalton and I watched the stars for a little while. After we saw a shooting star we took the girls up to the bathroom and washed their sticky fingers and faces and helped them get into clean pajamas and climb into bed. Dalton and I went to bed shortly after. I woke up scared for no reason and realized I was at the cabin still, not at home. I went to go check on the girls, and they were gone. I frantically searched the little bedroom but they were no where to be seen. In fact, there was not a single trace that my little angels were even there. They were gone.

I grew up playing with dolls and pretending they were my children. I played house and couldn't wait to be the mom I always pretended to be. You grow up, you imagine the family you'll have. You try to do everything right. You try for years and can't get pregnant. Your doctor tells you that naturally, it probably won't happen for you, and suggests procedures that cost more than financially possible for you at this point, just to maybe get pregnant. Maybe. You try anyway, and your dreams of having kids one day seams like just that, a dream. 

This is infertility. 

Dear Future Child-Adventure Awaits!

I wrote this back in April. I'm not sure why it didn't get published until now.

April 12th, 2018

Dear Future Child,
I've been thinking about you a lot over the last couple days as your dad and I celebrate our anniversary in Disneyland and Universal Studios. Everywhere we looked we saw young families with children filled with excitement. I know you'll come to us in due time, yet I couldn't help but look forward to the day when we can take you with us. I'm looking forward to seeing your beautiful smile and the sparkle in your eyes as you enter the theme park filled with all the excitement your little body could contain. I imagine hearing your little laugh as we ride the rides and experience the thrills in the park.
In fact, I look forward to all the adventures we will have with our little family. I am a firm believer that road trips bring people so much closer together. I want to take you to Oregon to play in the ocean and search for sand dollars. We will take you to Washington so you can go up in the Space Needle and look down on the city and walk through Pikes Place. We will go to San Francisco and you can go see Alcatraz and the twisty road that your grandpa loved showing me when I was a kid. We will stay an night in Las Vegas where you can go to M&M World and watch The Tournament of the Kings.
Of course we will also do little trips a little closer to home. I plan to take you to Bear Lake, a place I remember as my second home during the summers of my childhood. We'll have to go to Mirror Lake too, we used to celebrate my birthday there every summer. It will be so exciting to watch you catch your first fish and cook it in the fire. I'll want to take you to Arches National Park, maybe Delicate Arch will still be standing and you can hike up to that Utah trademark. As you get older we'll get to take you backpacking, maybe we can even convince your grandpa to come with us to Kings Peak, the tallest point in Utah! We'll have to teach you to snowboard because how can you live in Utah and not go skiing or snowboarding at least once?
There's such a big world out there with so much to see. Don't ever lose your sense of adventure.
I still can't wait to meet you.
Love,
Mom