To have a mother as great as mine is probably one of the greatest gifts I've been given in this life. And today being Mothers Day I felt like I should make a little shout out to her and all she does and has done for me.
Mom, thanks for teaching me how to clean. And how to be a hard worker. And how to be detailed. I've come pretty far in life using the little things you probably didn't even realize you were teaching me.
Thanks for coming to my doctors appointments, even now that I'm married. There's just something comforting about having you there sometimes.
Thanks for being so supportive in everything we do. From buying a house to deciding to try and have kids. You're always standing behind asking what you can do to help and it's really appreciated. Thanks for believing in me and never giving up on me.
Thanks for planning my wedding. You and Morgan did mostly everything. You made it so I didn't have much to worry about and it was great. Thanks for cooking all the food and for all the time and money you put into every detail of the wedding and reception, making that day so perfect for me.
Thanks for raising me in the church and teaching me to accept callings, even when their hard. As hard as it is to admit, I know that my current calling in the nursery will help me learn and grow in ways that I may need to before becoming a mother.
Thanks for showing me how much you love dad. And how much he knows you. You have both helped me prepare for this point in my life for being a great example of what I wanted in my marriage, and of a happy couple.
Thanks for always loving me unconditionally. And for being a great example of what a mom should be like. I sincerely hope I can be just as good of a mother some day.
I love you mom! You are so strong. You've dealt with so much in the last year or so. So much has changed. But it'll get better. Morgan will be home soon and everything else will start to hurt less a little at a time. Things will look up.
Thanks for being my role model and my best friend. I love you mom!
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
To Those Who Long To Be A Mother
Mother's day is right around the corner. And there are constant reminders everywhere of what I want so bad to be but can't. A mother. Now I don't mean to sound ungrateful or anything. I'm not saying I don't have an amazing mother to celebrate this coming Sunday, because I do. I'm just pointing out that for a fraction of the world, Mother's Day is sometimes a hard holiday.
If you're like me, 1 in 8 women struggle with infertility. And, to put it bluntly, it's hard. Just recently I have had a handful of friends on facebook announce their pregnancies, and another handful have their first babies. My news feed is filled with baby pictures and ultrasounds. And while I'm so happy for all of my friends, I'm sad for me. We've been trying for a baby more or less for almost a year now. And more often than not I feel that it's very unfair that all my other friends have been blessed with a baby.
So to all of you who are struggling this mothers day like me, to all those who long to be a mother, YOU ARE WONDERFUL. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And YOU MATTER TOO. You also deserve to be celebrated this week. If nothing else, celebrate yourself. You are so amazing for doing everything physically possible to have a child for the benefit of your family. You go through so much and sacrifice so much in hopes of someday being a mother.
And you know what? It's ok to get jealous sometimes. And it's ok that you hurt over this. And it's ok if you break down every once in awhile because this is hard. This easily one of the hardest things I've ever been through. It's ok to ask God "why me?" every once in awhile. It's ok to walk through the baby isles when you go shopping, just to look. It's ok to get angry and upset when you see another negative pregnancy test. Because that hurts.
You are amazing for forcing that smile and congratulating your friend on her pregnancy. You are amazing for taking a calling in the church working with other people's children. You are awesome taking the time to listen to other people's struggles because, in a way, you know what it's like. You know pain and heartache more than a lot of women your age. You know sacrifice, you are currently sacrificing so much for your family.
So Happy Mother's Day. Because you are definitely a mother in my eyes. Celebrate yourself a little this week and keep up this hope that someday you will hold your baby in our arms and we will know that all this heartache and struggle was worth it. Happy Mother's Day. You still deserve the world!
If you're like me, 1 in 8 women struggle with infertility. And, to put it bluntly, it's hard. Just recently I have had a handful of friends on facebook announce their pregnancies, and another handful have their first babies. My news feed is filled with baby pictures and ultrasounds. And while I'm so happy for all of my friends, I'm sad for me. We've been trying for a baby more or less for almost a year now. And more often than not I feel that it's very unfair that all my other friends have been blessed with a baby.
So to all of you who are struggling this mothers day like me, to all those who long to be a mother, YOU ARE WONDERFUL. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And YOU MATTER TOO. You also deserve to be celebrated this week. If nothing else, celebrate yourself. You are so amazing for doing everything physically possible to have a child for the benefit of your family. You go through so much and sacrifice so much in hopes of someday being a mother.
And you know what? It's ok to get jealous sometimes. And it's ok that you hurt over this. And it's ok if you break down every once in awhile because this is hard. This easily one of the hardest things I've ever been through. It's ok to ask God "why me?" every once in awhile. It's ok to walk through the baby isles when you go shopping, just to look. It's ok to get angry and upset when you see another negative pregnancy test. Because that hurts.
You are amazing for forcing that smile and congratulating your friend on her pregnancy. You are amazing for taking a calling in the church working with other people's children. You are awesome taking the time to listen to other people's struggles because, in a way, you know what it's like. You know pain and heartache more than a lot of women your age. You know sacrifice, you are currently sacrificing so much for your family.
So Happy Mother's Day. Because you are definitely a mother in my eyes. Celebrate yourself a little this week and keep up this hope that someday you will hold your baby in our arms and we will know that all this heartache and struggle was worth it. Happy Mother's Day. You still deserve the world!
Friday, May 5, 2017
You've Changed
"You've Changed"... Its a phrase I've heard over and over in the last couple months. Especially since returning to the job I had prior to getting married. Several of my coworkers, friends, and a few family members have recently pointed out that I've changed a lot since I've gotten married and that I'm not as fun anymore. Well, I don't know about not being as much fun as I used to be, maybe I just express my fun in ways they aren't used to recognizing. But I know I've changed. News Flash: Marriage changes you!
It's not just about me anymore. Now everything is about us. And about doing what is best for our little family. There's no room to be selfish anymore because I need to put my husband before myself, and anyone else. And he does the same for me. Before I was married I useds to pick up any and every shift possible at work. Now, I ask for his permision before taking an extra day or working a double. He has needs too, and sometimes we just need time to be together. Especially if we both get a day off together, because that definetly doesn't happen as often as we would like. I respect when he would rather me stay home with him. If I have housework piling up, I going to work hard to get some of that done so my husband doesn't have to work quite so hard when he comes home from a long night at work.
My priorities have shifted. Instead of just trying to make as much money as I possibly can and worrying about what I am going to do with my friends this weekend, I am now focused on starting a family, doing everything I can to make my husband happy and his life easier, and strengthening our relationship. Believe it or not, money is nowhere near as important as continually improving our relationship and spending quality time together. While I used to be open to a girls night just about any night, I now try to save them for nights my husband is at work. Because when he is home I'd rather be with him. As a result, we spend more time with married friends rather than single friends because we can both be there and both have fun. No offense to our single friends, this is just how things have happened.
I am more focused on building our life. We want to continually progress in every way we can.We're working on remodeling the house we just bought, we still have a lot of unpacking to do, and just working on shaping the future we want for us and our children. My commitment to my little family will always be infinitly more important than whatever else may be going on. We support eachother through job changes, schooling opportunities, and any trials we may be experiencing at the time. And we will continue to do so.
I see myself differently. Yes, I've gained a little weight, like most people do when they settle down, get comfortable with someone, and get married. But my husband is constantly reassuring me everyday that I'm cute and perfect. He calls me his pretty girl and always asks me how I got to be so beautiful. He tells me daily how much he loves looking into my eyes. He makes a special effort to make sure I feel loved and appreciated. It has definitely changed the way I view myself for the better. It makes me want to lose a little weight, go to the gym, and be happy and healthy. Not just for myself, but also because I want to be the best me possible for him.
So you see, I have changed. I am very much aware of this. But I don't see it all as being bad. In fact, I think a lot of good has come from marrying my best friend. I am more mature, I've had to grow up a lot, and I've gained a lot of confidence in myself. I love myself more now than I have in a long time. My husband is helping to shape me into the woman God wants me to be, and I'm loving this ride we're on. Yes I've changed, but does change always have to be seen as a bad thing?
It's not just about me anymore. Now everything is about us. And about doing what is best for our little family. There's no room to be selfish anymore because I need to put my husband before myself, and anyone else. And he does the same for me. Before I was married I useds to pick up any and every shift possible at work. Now, I ask for his permision before taking an extra day or working a double. He has needs too, and sometimes we just need time to be together. Especially if we both get a day off together, because that definetly doesn't happen as often as we would like. I respect when he would rather me stay home with him. If I have housework piling up, I going to work hard to get some of that done so my husband doesn't have to work quite so hard when he comes home from a long night at work.
My priorities have shifted. Instead of just trying to make as much money as I possibly can and worrying about what I am going to do with my friends this weekend, I am now focused on starting a family, doing everything I can to make my husband happy and his life easier, and strengthening our relationship. Believe it or not, money is nowhere near as important as continually improving our relationship and spending quality time together. While I used to be open to a girls night just about any night, I now try to save them for nights my husband is at work. Because when he is home I'd rather be with him. As a result, we spend more time with married friends rather than single friends because we can both be there and both have fun. No offense to our single friends, this is just how things have happened.
I am more focused on building our life. We want to continually progress in every way we can.We're working on remodeling the house we just bought, we still have a lot of unpacking to do, and just working on shaping the future we want for us and our children. My commitment to my little family will always be infinitly more important than whatever else may be going on. We support eachother through job changes, schooling opportunities, and any trials we may be experiencing at the time. And we will continue to do so.
I see myself differently. Yes, I've gained a little weight, like most people do when they settle down, get comfortable with someone, and get married. But my husband is constantly reassuring me everyday that I'm cute and perfect. He calls me his pretty girl and always asks me how I got to be so beautiful. He tells me daily how much he loves looking into my eyes. He makes a special effort to make sure I feel loved and appreciated. It has definitely changed the way I view myself for the better. It makes me want to lose a little weight, go to the gym, and be happy and healthy. Not just for myself, but also because I want to be the best me possible for him.
So you see, I have changed. I am very much aware of this. But I don't see it all as being bad. In fact, I think a lot of good has come from marrying my best friend. I am more mature, I've had to grow up a lot, and I've gained a lot of confidence in myself. I love myself more now than I have in a long time. My husband is helping to shape me into the woman God wants me to be, and I'm loving this ride we're on. Yes I've changed, but does change always have to be seen as a bad thing?
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Lessons From Our First Year
So much happens in that first year! You have to get over that awkward stage of finally calling your significant other your husband or wife. You ease in to living together. And you start to notice some of the quirks your husband has. In my first year of marriage I've learned a few things!
1. Establish a budget
I learned that instead of having my money and his money we now have our money. We combine our pay checks to pay our bills and we've been using the envelope system for budgeting everything else. We have an envelope for groceries, one for entertainment, another for eating out. If we decide we need to start saving for something we make an envelope for it. We've found that not having the money in our bank accounts so readily available makes it a lot harder to spend it and a lot easier to save. This system may not work for everyone, but it works well for us.
2. Make Date Night a Priority
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of still making time to be together. With our work schedules sometimes we have to be kind of creative. He works graveyards and I work days and swing. But we try to make at least one night a week a time when we can be together just the two of us doing something we love. Sometimes we go out to dinner, other times we go to the park and play tennis, and when we're feeling crazy we go to an arcade. We aren't perfect, we have weeks where we don't get to have a date night, but we always look forward to when we do.
3. Everyone Makes Mistakes
I'm not perfect. Neither is my husband. Sometimes I don't do the laundry and he doesn't have clean socks to wear to work. Sometimes he forgets to clean the litter box. It's okay, we learn to look past the imperfections we have and focus on what the other is doing. My husband is really good at understanding sometimes when I get home from work I just don't want to do the dishes, and that's ok. Sometimes sleeping a little extra is better for my husband than getting things done before he goes to work, and that's ok. We learned to understand eachother and not have a fit when things don't get done. It's ok, the housework will still be there tomorrow.
4. Intimacy is More Than Just Sex
Finding time to talk and be close to your spouse is also important. Being vulnerable with eachother and doing little things to show each other how much you care can be very intimate. Kissing, hugging, holding hands in the car, or snuggling during movies are all things that can be done to stay intimate between sexual interactions.
5. Babies are Talked About. A Lot.
I came into this marriage thinking I would wait 4 or 5 years before I started having kids. Two months later we started talking about having kids a little sooner than that. And the next month I stopped taking birth control. Now we're constantly talking about things we're going to do with our kids, and baby names, and what our kids might want to be involved in. And we're both getting really excited for when I actually get pregnant and we can have kids of our own.
6. It's ok to Take a Compliment
My husband compliments me. A lot. I used to think he was just being silly or saying things because he felt like he had to, since he did marry me after all. But now I've learned to recognize the sincerity in his eyes and I am realizing that while I don't see it in my self, my husband truly believes that I am beautiful.
7. Have Eachothers Best Interest at Heart
I want the best for my husband and he wants the best for me. And sometimes your spouse may see things that you can't see. Being willing to listen to eachother and to try things that we think would be good for the other has proven beneficial.
8. Stay Close to Our Father In Heaven
We have made prayer a very important part of our marriage and our decision making process. We literally pray about everything. Because of prayer and the feelings we have received afterward we have been lead to buy a house, started trying to have children, and have been able to help people we have come across. Whenever we are questioning something or have a disagreement, we try and pray and try to recognize what our Heavenly Father wants us to do. We pray for eachother when we're going through tough times or when we have job interviews or tests coming up. Have you ever gone wrong by saying a simple prayer? Probably not.
9. Be Adventurous
Go on little trips together. As often as you can. In our first year together we took little road trips to Ephraim and Duchesne to visit his grandparents. We've been to Bear Lake a couple times. And most recently we went on a roadtrip through Washington and Oregon. And with each little trip we go on, when we're away from the distractions of everyday life, we get so much closer together.
10. Be Supportive
Especially in eachother hobbies. My husband has put up with my sewing and scrapbooking hobbies and has encouraged me to develop more. Together we play tennis, we bought long boards and learned how to ride those, and for awhile our hobby was Pokemon Go. And in return I try and support his hobbies. He likes to fix up and make additions to his truck. He also wants to have a YouTube channel and he is very good with music. Supporting eachother is so important to happiness in your marriage.
11. We Can Make Our Own Decisions
As much as we love hearing advice from friends and family members we have discovered that it is crucial that we make our own decisions. We sometimes need to push aside the advice and opinions of others in order to ask ourselves what would be best for our little family at this point in time. And sometimes that decision contradicts what others may think, and that's ok.
12. We Can Accomplish so Much
This team you've newly developed is capable of so much more than you sometimes think. In our first year we've accomplished a lot. We bought a new car for me, and traded in my husband's sports car for a truck. We've bought a house and moved to Ogden. We remodeled parts of our new house. When we look back to where we were at the start of our marriage as opposed to where we are now, it's so amazing to see how far we've come in life!
So there's a handful of things I've learned in my first year of mmarriage. It's been hectic and rough at times, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. My husband is still my best friend and still the best thing that has ever happened to me. And everyday I'm so grateful we have eachother.
What have you learned in your crazy first year?
1. Establish a budget
I learned that instead of having my money and his money we now have our money. We combine our pay checks to pay our bills and we've been using the envelope system for budgeting everything else. We have an envelope for groceries, one for entertainment, another for eating out. If we decide we need to start saving for something we make an envelope for it. We've found that not having the money in our bank accounts so readily available makes it a lot harder to spend it and a lot easier to save. This system may not work for everyone, but it works well for us.
2. Make Date Night a Priority
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of still making time to be together. With our work schedules sometimes we have to be kind of creative. He works graveyards and I work days and swing. But we try to make at least one night a week a time when we can be together just the two of us doing something we love. Sometimes we go out to dinner, other times we go to the park and play tennis, and when we're feeling crazy we go to an arcade. We aren't perfect, we have weeks where we don't get to have a date night, but we always look forward to when we do.
3. Everyone Makes Mistakes
I'm not perfect. Neither is my husband. Sometimes I don't do the laundry and he doesn't have clean socks to wear to work. Sometimes he forgets to clean the litter box. It's okay, we learn to look past the imperfections we have and focus on what the other is doing. My husband is really good at understanding sometimes when I get home from work I just don't want to do the dishes, and that's ok. Sometimes sleeping a little extra is better for my husband than getting things done before he goes to work, and that's ok. We learned to understand eachother and not have a fit when things don't get done. It's ok, the housework will still be there tomorrow.
4. Intimacy is More Than Just Sex
Finding time to talk and be close to your spouse is also important. Being vulnerable with eachother and doing little things to show each other how much you care can be very intimate. Kissing, hugging, holding hands in the car, or snuggling during movies are all things that can be done to stay intimate between sexual interactions.
5. Babies are Talked About. A Lot.
I came into this marriage thinking I would wait 4 or 5 years before I started having kids. Two months later we started talking about having kids a little sooner than that. And the next month I stopped taking birth control. Now we're constantly talking about things we're going to do with our kids, and baby names, and what our kids might want to be involved in. And we're both getting really excited for when I actually get pregnant and we can have kids of our own.
6. It's ok to Take a Compliment
My husband compliments me. A lot. I used to think he was just being silly or saying things because he felt like he had to, since he did marry me after all. But now I've learned to recognize the sincerity in his eyes and I am realizing that while I don't see it in my self, my husband truly believes that I am beautiful.
7. Have Eachothers Best Interest at Heart
I want the best for my husband and he wants the best for me. And sometimes your spouse may see things that you can't see. Being willing to listen to eachother and to try things that we think would be good for the other has proven beneficial.
8. Stay Close to Our Father In Heaven
We have made prayer a very important part of our marriage and our decision making process. We literally pray about everything. Because of prayer and the feelings we have received afterward we have been lead to buy a house, started trying to have children, and have been able to help people we have come across. Whenever we are questioning something or have a disagreement, we try and pray and try to recognize what our Heavenly Father wants us to do. We pray for eachother when we're going through tough times or when we have job interviews or tests coming up. Have you ever gone wrong by saying a simple prayer? Probably not.
9. Be Adventurous
Go on little trips together. As often as you can. In our first year together we took little road trips to Ephraim and Duchesne to visit his grandparents. We've been to Bear Lake a couple times. And most recently we went on a roadtrip through Washington and Oregon. And with each little trip we go on, when we're away from the distractions of everyday life, we get so much closer together.
10. Be Supportive
Especially in eachother hobbies. My husband has put up with my sewing and scrapbooking hobbies and has encouraged me to develop more. Together we play tennis, we bought long boards and learned how to ride those, and for awhile our hobby was Pokemon Go. And in return I try and support his hobbies. He likes to fix up and make additions to his truck. He also wants to have a YouTube channel and he is very good with music. Supporting eachother is so important to happiness in your marriage.
11. We Can Make Our Own Decisions
As much as we love hearing advice from friends and family members we have discovered that it is crucial that we make our own decisions. We sometimes need to push aside the advice and opinions of others in order to ask ourselves what would be best for our little family at this point in time. And sometimes that decision contradicts what others may think, and that's ok.
12. We Can Accomplish so Much
This team you've newly developed is capable of so much more than you sometimes think. In our first year we've accomplished a lot. We bought a new car for me, and traded in my husband's sports car for a truck. We've bought a house and moved to Ogden. We remodeled parts of our new house. When we look back to where we were at the start of our marriage as opposed to where we are now, it's so amazing to see how far we've come in life!
So there's a handful of things I've learned in my first year of mmarriage. It's been hectic and rough at times, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. My husband is still my best friend and still the best thing that has ever happened to me. And everyday I'm so grateful we have eachother.
What have you learned in your crazy first year?
Monday, May 1, 2017
Dear Future Child
Dear Future Child
I don't know much about you yet. I don't know what you'll look like, what kind of things you'll be interested in, or even if you're a boy or a girl. But I know I love you. And I know your daddy loves you.
I've been thinking about you a lot today as I start another round of infertility pills. Another one of my friends also announced on facebook today that they were having a baby and as it made me rejoice for her, my heart ached a little for me. Out of jealousy that she'll get to meet her little one before I'll get to meet mine.
As it was pay day today your daddy and I put another $40 into an envelope for you. You won't be old enough to appreciate it, but we're saving up to ensure you have the best of everything. Everytime I put more money into that envelope I think of you.
I know you won't understand for a long time, but I really hope you come soon. Your dad and I have been praying to meet you. I hope someday you can appreciate what we do for you. We put my body through seemingly endless amounts of hormone supplements that really mess with my emotional and physical well being, and your daddy's sanity. He's so good at taking care of me though and making sure I take my pills on time and making sure I take it easy when I need to. It gets really tiring some days and it's really hard on me. But I know it'll be worth it when I finally get to hold you in my arms.
I hope and pray that you never have to go through this. It's one thing to go through this myself, but having to watch my child not receive a righteous desire of their heart due to physical infirmities would be even worse.
I hope I can be a good mother and raise you right. I hope you're father and I can teach you everything you'll need to know to take on this cruel world we live in. I already know you'll make a difference in the world simply because having you here will make a difference to us. Watching you learn and grow is something your dad and I look forward to a lot.
I hope you know we love you, and we are doing everything in our power to get you here with us. We love you unconditionally and cant wait to see all that you'll do with this life! I can't wait to get that pink line on a test that tells us we're finally going to get to meet you. I can't wait to hold you in my arms little one.
Love,
Your Future Mother
I don't know much about you yet. I don't know what you'll look like, what kind of things you'll be interested in, or even if you're a boy or a girl. But I know I love you. And I know your daddy loves you.
I've been thinking about you a lot today as I start another round of infertility pills. Another one of my friends also announced on facebook today that they were having a baby and as it made me rejoice for her, my heart ached a little for me. Out of jealousy that she'll get to meet her little one before I'll get to meet mine.
As it was pay day today your daddy and I put another $40 into an envelope for you. You won't be old enough to appreciate it, but we're saving up to ensure you have the best of everything. Everytime I put more money into that envelope I think of you.
I know you won't understand for a long time, but I really hope you come soon. Your dad and I have been praying to meet you. I hope someday you can appreciate what we do for you. We put my body through seemingly endless amounts of hormone supplements that really mess with my emotional and physical well being, and your daddy's sanity. He's so good at taking care of me though and making sure I take my pills on time and making sure I take it easy when I need to. It gets really tiring some days and it's really hard on me. But I know it'll be worth it when I finally get to hold you in my arms.
I hope and pray that you never have to go through this. It's one thing to go through this myself, but having to watch my child not receive a righteous desire of their heart due to physical infirmities would be even worse.
I hope I can be a good mother and raise you right. I hope you're father and I can teach you everything you'll need to know to take on this cruel world we live in. I already know you'll make a difference in the world simply because having you here will make a difference to us. Watching you learn and grow is something your dad and I look forward to a lot.
I hope you know we love you, and we are doing everything in our power to get you here with us. We love you unconditionally and cant wait to see all that you'll do with this life! I can't wait to get that pink line on a test that tells us we're finally going to get to meet you. I can't wait to hold you in my arms little one.
Love,
Your Future Mother
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