Tuesday, December 25, 2018

To Those Who Wished For A Baby

I know you're out there. Maybe this is your first year in this situation, or maybe this has been you for awhile now. Your "New Years Resolution" at the beginning of last year was to have a child. To start your family. As Christmas is right around the corner and the year nears an end, you feel like a failure because despite all of your efforts and recommended treatments you are still not pregnant. You've had a heck of a year. You have tried everything. You've taken medications. You've timed everything the best you can. You've even tried every crazy little piece of advice people have to offer. Still you have had no success. You have watched numerous friends and family members post baby announcements, gender reveals, and pictures of their infants and toddlers all over social media. You may have even taken a break from social media so you didn't have that constant reminder of what you can not yet have. You've tried not to let this consume your life, but it has. You want with all your heart to carry a child. You wish you were playing Santa this year, or maybe even just using Christmas as a creative way to tell your friends and family that you are expecting. You may even have little baby outfits stowed away in a closet somewhere in your home waiting for the day when you can put them to use. You take a child's name off of the angel tree but it doesn't fill the gap of having your own child. You spoil your friends kids a little bit. You plead with Heavenly Father and you ask when it will be your turn. You cry far more than you would ever admit. This process tears you apart and yet you still have to go on living your life as if nothing is wrong. You go through the Christmas season and try to keep busy and stay as happy as you can. This time of year family parties are in abundance. Everyone is asking what you want for Christmas. If you're like me you shrug your shoulders or tell them something practical like bath towels when really all you want is that second pink line to appear. Maybe you are open about your struggles and share them with those who are willing to listen, or maybe you keep it to your. Maybe you pretend to be content where you are. Inside, you feel like hole. You know something is missing. It saddens you more than you care to admit.

 But I want you to know you are not alone.

 You are so strong.

 And I want you to have a Merry Christmas anyway. Take some time for yourself. Spend some much needed one on one time with your spouse. Remember to enjoy this incredible journey called life. I know it's hard and I know you're hurting, but try to cherish this holiday season, even if just for a day.

Merry Christmas. 

Saturday, September 29, 2018

Tomorrow Is Never Promised

A lot has been going through my mind lately as a lot of my family members are suffering through a tragedy. One of my distant cousins, Zack, was accidentally shot and killed by target shooters while they were in the mountains taking pictures to send to his brother on a mission. They were just riding along in their jeep when a bullet came through the window and killed this innocent young man. I will spare you the gory details, but needless to say it was a traumatic event for all involved. When I heard the story in detail I was traumatized and basically had a panic attack. I could not get the image out of my head and it was horrifying. No one should have to experience that. I can't even imagine how much his parents, siblings, and grandparents are hurting. I wasn't close to him and somehow his passing has had a great effect on even me. I look up to his immediate family for being so strong because I honestly don't know how you come back from something like this. How do you go on living when someone that close to you is so suddenly gone?

The very next day at the clinic I work at we were working hard and running tests of every kind on a very sick 3 year old. When the doctor I was working for realized that what this girl has may be out of his scope of practice, and more that what could be handled in a clinic setting, he immediately sent them to the Emergency Room at a children's hospital. Sure enough, that little girl was diagnosed with Leukemia. Those parent's didn't realize the extent of their little girls illness. I'm sure they just came to the clinic to get some help. I doubt they thought they would be sent to the ER or have to stay in a hospital that night. They didn't realize how fast and drastically their life can change and the extent of treatment their baby would need. My heart breaks for that little family as they face a whole new set of challenges.

Why does it take some big drastic even for us to take a minute and appreciate life? Life flies by and no one realizes that in an instant life can change. Life is a fragile thing and it can be taken in the blink of an eye. You're whole world can change in a matter of seconds. Isn't that a scary thought? Today at the funeral of a fun loving 14 year old boy I changed the way I look at things. I learned how important it is to hold your family tight. To always say "I love you." To take an abundance of pictures, you will never get to relive the little moments in your life and you need to document them. You never know when those pictures will be the best reminder of the memories you had with someone. Prepare yourself. Live every day as if it is your last because it very well could be. Tomorrow is never promised. If you feel like you need to do something do it. Act on those little promptings. Call up your friend, write that letter, spend time with your grandparents. Time is so precious. Love your family. Go to family reunions and other family functions without complaining. Just go, it's not that hard. Don't take people for granted because you never know when they could be taken from you.

Monday, August 13, 2018

Dream

I had a dream last night that felt so real and has had me thinking all day. 

The dream started in a brand new house in Layton. It was huge. And beautiful. I was trying to get my 4 year old twin girls to help me clean their bedrooms. After fighting them for awhile the bedrooms were clean. They asked daddy if he would do their hair. To make them look pretty, and he did. Then it was time to go. The girls begged me to let them take their bikes, so I did. They didn't have to beg for long. We loaded up in a nice Subaru Forester and headed to the mountains where we had a little cabin all to ourselves for the weekend. There was a little creek running through the property and a lake a quarter mile away. I went inside to start unpacking and making dinner while my husband pushed Evelynn and Isabelle on their bikes around the driveway. I put corn dogs and tater tots in the oven and went outside to join our little family. By now they were playing jump rope. I took the two girls and helped them start a fire in the fire pit in the back yard so we could roast marshmallows after dinner. Then they sat at the picnic table and I brought out little sectioned out trays for them with corn dogs, tater tots, and "pink sauce" (because it wasnt just for fries). Dalton and I ate too. Then after dinner Dalton played camp fire songs on his guitar while I helped the girls make s'mores. Dalton continued to play the guitar while the girls fell asleep in my lap. Then Dalton and I watched the stars for a little while. After we saw a shooting star we took the girls up to the bathroom and washed their sticky fingers and faces and helped them get into clean pajamas and climb into bed. Dalton and I went to bed shortly after. I woke up scared for no reason and realized I was at the cabin still, not at home. I went to go check on the girls, and they were gone. I frantically searched the little bedroom but they were no where to be seen. In fact, there was not a single trace that my little angels were even there. They were gone.

I grew up playing with dolls and pretending they were my children. I played house and couldn't wait to be the mom I always pretended to be. You grow up, you imagine the family you'll have. You try to do everything right. You try for years and can't get pregnant. Your doctor tells you that naturally, it probably won't happen for you, and suggests procedures that cost more than financially possible for you at this point, just to maybe get pregnant. Maybe. You try anyway, and your dreams of having kids one day seams like just that, a dream. 
This is infertility. 

Saturday, August 4, 2018

Dear Future Child-Adventure Awaits!

I wrote this back in April. I'm not sure why it didn't get published until now.
April 12th, 2018
Dear Future Child,
I've been thinking about you a lot over the last couple days as your dad and I celebrate our anniversary in Disneyland and Universal Studios. Everywhere we looked we saw young families with children filled with excitement. I know you'll come to us in due time, yet I couldn't help but look forward to the day when we can take you with us. I'm looking forward to seeing your beautiful smile and the sparkle in your eyes as you enter the theme park filled with all the excitement your little body could contain. I imagine hearing your little laugh as we ride the rides and experience the thrills in the park.
In fact, I look forward to all the adventures we will have with our little family. I am a firm believer that road trips bring people so much closer together. I want to take you to Oregon to play in the ocean and search for sand dollars. We will take you to Washington so you can go up in the Space Needle and look down on the city and walk through Pikes Place. We will go to San Francisco and you can go see Alcatraz and the twisty road that your grandpa loved showing me when I was a kid. We will stay an night in Las Vegas where you can go to M&M World and watch The Tournament of the Kings.
Of course we will also do little trips a little closer to home. I plan to take you to Bear Lake, a place I remember as my second home during the summers of my childhood. We'll have to go to Mirror Lake too, we used to celebrate my birthday there every summer. It will be so exciting to watch you catch your first fish and cook it in the fire. I'll want to take you to Arches National Park, maybe Delicate Arch will still be standing and you can hike up to that Utah trademark. As you get older we'll get to take you backpacking, maybe we can even convince your grandpa to come with us to Kings Peak, the tallest point in Utah! We'll have to teach you to snowboard because how can you live in Utah and not go skiing or snowboarding at least once?
There's such a big world out there with so much to see. Don't ever lose your sense of adventure.
I still can't wait to meet you.
Love,
Mom

Friday, April 27, 2018

Thanks to my Husband

I have been a little overwhelmed lately with the amount of love and support I have received from my husband as I finished my Medical Assisting courses. It is safe to assume I couldn't have done it without my husband. To some, getting a certificate may not be such a big deal, but to me it was a big accomplishment. I finished something. I always struggled with college before I got married. Good grades were hard to get and I wasn't as motivated as I should have been.
My husband has been my biggest support through the whole thing. He encouraged me to go back to school in the first place. He always got excited for me when I was making exceptional progress. He was always there to reassure me that this wouldn't last forever when I was working 46 hour work week in addition to my schooling. He put some things on hold so that I could go to school. He was always willing to buy me fun, new scrub tops. During the last part of my clinical's and throughout my practicum he worked so hard to financially supported me so that I could significantly reduce my hours and work and push through the last few months of school so that I could finish quicker. He was thrilled when I passed my certification exam.
Today I accepted my first Medical Assisting job in an Insta Care facility, and I am thrilled to get started on this part of my career, raising our income, and bettering the life for my family. I owe my success to my husband. 
Words can not describe how thankful I am for my husband. I know it hasn't been easy on him, but we made it. Soon we can get back on track, rebuild our savings, and work on remodeling our house some more. I know he is excited for that. I won't be working as hard and we won't be as stressed about money. I love you Dalton. I am so excited to see where life is going to take us from here. 


Sunday, February 4, 2018

A Stream of Busy Days

I've been a little missing in action lately. I got a second job and was literally working myself to death for a few months. With my new job I was pretty much going non stop from about five in the morning to about 8 at night nearly every day. My mindset was, keep myself busy doing something productive and forget about your struggles. And that worked, for a little while. Still, little things would constantly remind me of what I couldn't have. One teacher had a baby and another had twins. Three other students in my class got pregnant, one with twins. And yet, as hard as we tried we were never successful.
From these never ending busy days I learned some things:
1. "Fatigue is the common enemy of us all- so slow down, rest up, replenish, and refill. Physicians promise us that if we do not take the time to be well, we most assuredly will take time later on to be ill." (Jeffery R. Holland)
 I got sick. A lot. It seamed like I was constantly fighting a cold or headaches or an upset stomach. I didn't take the time to take care of myself because I had no spare time to take. I wasn't eating right, I wasn't sleeping enough, and I wasn't taking any time to myself to just relax because there just wasn't any.
2. "This journey isn't just about focusing on your own life. No, this path inevitable leads you to become a blessing in the lives of God's other children-you're brothers and sisters. And the interesting thing about the journey is that as you serve God, and as you care for and help your fellowmen, you will see great progress in your own life, in ways you could never imagine." (Dieter F. Uchtdorf)
With my schooling and my two jobs, I've met a lot of different people in the last couple years. I've made it a point to try to find someone who could use some help in their lives and do what I can to help them. I've noticed that by focusing on the needs of others, and using my resources to help them, I think of myself and my own struggles a little less and I am happy a little more.
3. "We can't direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails." (Thomas S. Monson)
I can't change the fact that we are struggling to get pregnant. But I can change my focus. I can adjust my attitude about it. I'm focusing on our family, but in a different way. Right now my family consists of me and my husband. So I've been trying to focus on that. Focus on our marriage and our already great relationship. And it just keeps getting better. We've gotten close than ever and our love for each other just continues to grow.

I've since stopped working so much. I've been taking time to myself and taking time to catch up on some much needed housework. I've started meal prepping and cooking more. I've had a lot more time to focus on school and move through my program faster! I've been a lot happier and a lot less stressed and it's been beautiful! I just can't stress enough how important it is to take some time for yourself, to remember to serve, and to focus on family. These are the things I've learned in the last few months.