Dream

I had a dream last night that felt so real and has had me thinking all day. 

The dream started in a brand new house in Layton. It was huge. And beautiful. I was trying to get my 4 year old twin girls to help me clean their bedrooms. After fighting them for awhile the bedrooms were clean. They asked daddy if he would do their hair. To make them look pretty, and he did. Then it was time to go. The girls begged me to let them take their bikes, so I did. They didn't have to beg for long. We loaded up in a nice Subaru Forester and headed to the mountains where we had a little cabin all to ourselves for the weekend. There was a little creek running through the property and a lake a quarter mile away. I went inside to start unpacking and making dinner while my husband pushed Evelynn and Isabelle on their bikes around the driveway. I put corn dogs and tater tots in the oven and went outside to join our little family. By now they were playing jump rope. I took the two girls and helped them start a fire in the fire pit in the back yard so we could roast marshmallows after dinner. Then they sat at the picnic table and I brought out little sectioned out trays for them with corn dogs, tater tots, and "pink sauce" (because it wasnt just for fries). Dalton and I ate too. Then after dinner Dalton played camp fire songs on his guitar while I helped the girls make s'mores. Dalton continued to play the guitar while the girls fell asleep in my lap. Then Dalton and I watched the stars for a little while. After we saw a shooting star we took the girls up to the bathroom and washed their sticky fingers and faces and helped them get into clean pajamas and climb into bed. Dalton and I went to bed shortly after. I woke up scared for no reason and realized I was at the cabin still, not at home. I went to go check on the girls, and they were gone. I frantically searched the little bedroom but they were no where to be seen. In fact, there was not a single trace that my little angels were even there. They were gone.

I grew up playing with dolls and pretending they were my children. I played house and couldn't wait to be the mom I always pretended to be. You grow up, you imagine the family you'll have. You try to do everything right. You try for years and can't get pregnant. Your doctor tells you that naturally, it probably won't happen for you, and suggests procedures that cost more than financially possible for you at this point, just to maybe get pregnant. Maybe. You try anyway, and your dreams of having kids one day seams like just that, a dream. 

This is infertility.