All Is Well

I'm not even gonna lie, there are times recently where I have been mad at God.  Mad that I haven't had a child yet.  Mad that I have to watch a good portion of my friends have babies. Mad that I've been given this desire to be a mom,  when physically it is so hard for me to become one.  Mad that the fertility treatments have had no effect on me so far.  Mad that I have to go through this. Mad that His timing isn't aligning with mine.  Does He not trust me with a child? Am I doing something wrong,  even though I feel like I am doing everything right? There are so many things that have crossed my mind lately.  So many emotions. I felt abandoned. I felt tortured to have a calling in the nursery,  where I had to care for other people's children rather than my own. Why did He give me this calling if He knows my struggles? I felt like my prayers weren't being answered.  That maybe God didn't care about me as much as I thought He did. I wasn't sure what to do or how to interpret my feelings.

Then I was reading my patriarchal blessing one day.  I had this overwhelming feeling that my Father in Heaven really does love me, He cares. He hears my prayers. All of a sudden I knew that I would be a mother figure in some children's life. Maybe not my own, but somehow I would be a mother. This was a turning point in my spirituality regarding infertility.  I started reading general conference talks and my scriptures more often. I'm not saying I don't still have that strong desire to be a mother, but I have learned a lot.  I'm not saying its easy now,  because this is still the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. What I am saying is that leaning toward The Lord and focusing on improving my spirituality has helped.  I still feel abandoned sometimes,  but reading the words of our prophets makes me feel better.  I know our Heavenly Father knows us.  I know He speaks to us through words of the prophets.  I know I am not alone in this journey. 

"Trials come to each of us. Living righteously does not mean that our lives will be free of problems or sorrow, but no matter what hardships we face, we can always rely on Heavenly Father and His Son. They will not forsake us, and They will give each of us the strength to face whatever may come, so that in the end we can truly say, “All is well!”" (Our God Will Never Us Forsake,  Ensign June 2013) Infertility is my trial in this life, but does having a trial mean I can't be happy? No.  Why am I focusing so much on this trial rather than everything going well in my life? Because in reality my life is great.  I have a decent job, an amazing husband,  and a great support system of friends and family.  We have a puppy for me to care for and look after and we are always trying to do fun things and go on adventures. I have an abundance of blessings in my life but sometimes I fail to recognize them.  "It makes no sense to let gratitude for the blessings we do have be crowded out by sorrow over the one thing we lack...We each have joys in life despite our trials; what a waste to fail to notice or cherish or celebrate all the reasons we do have to rejoice." (Learning to Cope With Infertility, Ensign June 2012)
Now I'm trying harder to focus on the good things happening in my life every day. I've been trying to count my blessings and give thanks for my Father in Heaven for all that I have because I have been very blessed in my life, even if it's not always easy to recognize. As I've been working on these goals I've kept this hymn in my head: "Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard? 'Tis not so; all is right. Why should we think to earn a great reward if we now shun the fight? Gird up your loins; fresh courage take. Our God will never us forsake; and soon we'll have this tale to tell- All is well! All is well!" (LDS Hymn 30; Come, Come, Ye Saints). I know I'm not alone. I know I am blessed. And I know my Heavenly Father loves me very much! I know He hears my prayers and I know His timing is perfect. Best of all, I KNOW He has a plan for me.